depression

I dont know how to feel. i havent quite cured myself. i dont know the right words for it. what happened last summer. ugh... everyone at skool hates me. most of my teachers say im a great performer, most of my performances, im thinking of the past i hardly realize i was performing. Im sorry for all those people that think im a show off. i guess i should put that mask back on.. haha.. scary.. maybe so that people dont have to look at the broken horizons in my eyes. what i did last summer to her, is my regret, god forgive me for that. i hope she has forgiven me. what i did to her was ugh!! kill me :/ from what i could see last time i talked to her, things were bad, because of what i did. if i could talk to her for one more minute i would.. i would face her parents. i would let them be the judge of my life. i would put what was left of my heart in my hand and place it on their judgement. if i died i wouldnt care, as long as she was happy. i really wanna talk to both her parents and tell them straight to stop hurting her :/ i really loved her. im sorry. i wish i was back in june and like not tell her i was going to camp. i would face my dad and run away. where? i dont know but i would try to reach her somehow. but of course. she hates me now. theres no way shell ever talk to me again. i wish she did so bad :/ I love her till the day i die, because thats what i swore to her those words. .

ideas for new songs?

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

Goodbye

I wipe it off on a tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is turning blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I picture me

I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

Get outta my head 'cause I don't need this
Why didn't I see this?
Well, I'm a victim Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just makin' my mind up
And takin' your breath away

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

Goodbye

You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free

You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
The flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell I wait and bleed

I've felt the hate rise up in me
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves
I wander out where you can't see
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

And it waits for you

Abrahan Hetfield has to rise again from the ashes

There i lie in a corner of my room.. sitting alone.. in profound darkness... no motivation.. no hapinness no sun shinning through my windows... no flashing in my eyelids.. i cry into tears of terror.. constantly spacing out into a diffrent world.. my world of dreams.. where i am in a stone house and my wife and my kid.. then i come to reality again.. she stabbed my heart.. my heart is ripped apart and burned so that it wont regenrate with anything.. the only thing that can cure it now.. is her.. but that wont happen most likely.. today is saturday.. i tried to put on some music... and so i did.. i tried singing.. i just couldnt sing.. i tried again.. and again.. then it came in! Fuck you!! you wanna sing!!! sing!!!! i started headbanging Harvester of sorrow" HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! i was singing again... i felt the adrenaline again.. theres no turning back.. im going to fight for whats right.. hmm i sound crazy as i write this? haha lame.. who cares.. im the only that reads,, and i still laugh when i do.. i cant sleep anymore to say the truth.. sigh* who am i fooling? only myself.. im not happy anymore..

Home life again

I dont get how im feeling right now.. the question is " does my dad treat my brother too nicely?" he is buying my brother a new car.,.. i get to see them smile for a new car,, and me im just with my foot on a wall staring at their little smirks.. its something good i guess.. new car.. hes gonna be happy with his girlfriend.. someday ill have money too.. i guess ill buy something for myself.. my birthday is coming up and i could only think of one wish.. but i guess god wont let me.. my brother had a graduation gift when he was in high school... it seems that up to right now.. my dad or mom dont really want to buy me anything.. i feel kinda lame for once but yea.. im on my own for a gift... this school year alot of freshman girls have come in.. most of them think that a guitar player is very cute.. specially when u have worked out ur body and made it like mine :) i feel old but i guess it catches peoples attention for once.. but god dont let me sin.. i dont wanna ever leave ur side.. girls and guys are so full of bad thoughts.. i must avoid.. my morality is on the floor right now.. i cant believe im freaking fighting to stay alive when shes gone!! why are u fighting damn it!!? i guess ill have to stay in order to know...the world doesnt need a me right now.. they just need someone like my brothers.. parties... cars.. girls.. alcohol.. thats not me...

Dark poem

Wake up every morning with a shining sun
seeing your face is my little shine
Finding you sad will be my moments of drag
but to help you is a thing that i can
under the rain i find myself sitting there alone with each raindrop hitting me on the nose
I dont care for my clothes are all wet but i care when ur locked in my arms
for i hold you under the rain
there are hard times in our lives but our love can defy the hard times
A rooftop of stars are over us
oh i cant wait what the night awaits for us
you are in my arms with ur head on my chest
hearing my heart say i love you with all my best
Do you still think i can rest?
without you being with me, or should i be put to rest?.....seeing you in another man's arms will always be my reason of harm
lucky man he is to be able to hold your hands
for not everyone can hold an angel's hand
the reason u say U love him is my reason to be forgotten...

New year of school

Today we have started another year of school.. i was sore to walk to school. for some reason my legs are failing me.. my knees are cracking alot.. nobody cares anyways why am I writting this? anyways.. i got to see old friends back.. the only thing i could rmemeber was all of them not paying any attention to me.. they all forgot about me because i had gone to camp.. my friend Hayley i think things wont be the same as friends anymore.. problably the only person off the hook is Bethany :) she gave me a big warm welcome back hug.. and a piece of cake for making it out of camp.. then she left with her sister to hang out.. and i just stood up in front of my locker.. i was listening to my music.. i cnt believe everything is failing me again.. music is tiring now.. all because of a problem.. i never knew it would come to me saying this.. I would give my life just to see her one last time.. English. French. Guitar. Physics. Finite math. Us. Government

Interview with Guitar God magazine

Ggm: How do you guys feel about coming back to the stages of USA?
Abrahan Hetfield: Well.. we have been absent a long time now we decided to take our reign back. theres not a better band than us. if there is.. bring it on!! (everyone laughs)
GGM: Abrahan. the crowd in one of your last concerts had noticed something diffrent in you, they recalled seeing you more calm.. you have to understand.. THEY MISS THE OLD JAMES HETFIELD IN YOU!
Abrahan: Ahh yes i do remember..

Good old days in Mexico

We used to have so much fun.. remember Kurt? when you splashed me in the eye and i socked you so hard you bled, im sorry :)
Look at me!! fun days at the park
Like father like son= soccer

What happy times!

Me in the front part :)
Thtas me in the backyard
My backyard! I love it! Look love what an amazing look!
Front part of my house at hiding the sun
Front part of my house in Tijuana

Boredom :)

E
B 5 3
G2 4 5 4 1 5 4 1 5
D
A
E
"Lay beside me, under wicked sky, the door cracks open but theres no sun shinning through no theres no shining shining.. what i felt what ive known turn the pages turn to stone behind the door or should i open it for you. "

Hm i dont know about this song intro but i like how it sounds, im in 4th period thinking of "her" i hope i can make her feel better... so... today again i was at my locker with nothing to tell my friend.. i guess i dont care for it anyways.. other than that its a good day so i have noticed in my journals, each passing day im getting happier and happier............... WAIT!

"No ones ever told and preaches hes a fool, deprived of all his thoughts and here it is again,, oooh my mind fading away yea,, what i felt what ive known never shines upon a stone, never me never free so i take the unforgiven."
sounds a little better? i know!

Surgery number 2

Surgery last saturday had to be the worst day ever... I was so scared that day,, i walked in the room and lied down in the bed... i remember my thoughts when the doctor told me to think of something happy,,, it was her.... then i felt the point of the knife cutting in " the worst pain ever!!! i could kill someone for it,, i held the nurses wrist and crushed it,, im sorry,,, i held the bed but it wouldnt calm the pain down,, i was being held down by belts in the bed,,, 6 hours of freaking pain in a bed without me doing anything,, guess wat happened Kurt! im the strongest man in this earth!! i ripped one of the belts!! beat that!! 6 hours pass bye,, im a monster of anger, and as soon as it ended i asked to be released but they didnt... i dont recall any light,,, i woke up at night in the darkest room,, in a corner tied up,, i had "Her" in my mind all the time.. i dont wanna remember that ever again... I was talking to her yesterday,, something was wrong with me,, i hated the fact that she was showing me vids and all i could do is listen to metallica and totally close my fucking ears,, im sorry,, i was in pain,, i really was im sorry sorry,,, ill try my best to heal faster :) it will make our convos better!! No theres no shining through no theres no sun shining!! Im having a bad day like always,,, we lost another persons life today.. im sorry...

Prom night....

Remember that day you were having a bad day? You looked at me deep into my eyes looking for me to say something to you.. My look faded away and soon you found yourself in another boy's arms.. You left me alone in my thoughts.... I thought about you the whole day but nothing came as an answer.... it bothered me... when i had the courage to ask you what was wrong with you i said "What is wrong, please tell me..." You didn't wanna say, but i insisted as a good friend... you yelled " leave me alone!" and then your friend came in and asked if anything was wrong.. You walked with him, and left me alone after school.. when i was going to play soccer, I saw your guy friend and he came in with 4 other guys... they yelled at me bad words, words that killed all the senses in me, first punch, i saw your smile and how warm it felt, i lost my sense of feeling, 2nd punch i remember how you used to sing so beautifully to the birds following your every note with your heart, i lost my hearing sense, 3rd punch I remember the taste of that apple bite you had gievn me when i was really hungry that day and you took a second to ask me if i wanted some, i lost my tasting sense, 4th punch, I remeber the smell of your perfume walking down the hallway, I turned around after a sweet escense mad me fade my mind away, i lost my smelling sense, 5th punch , I remember that rainy day afterschool You held my hand and we ran to the other side of the street to take some cover under a tree and I saw your beautiful smile and said " ready for another run? :), I had lost my sense of sight... ..... There I lied in the floor dead with no more senses left in me, It was 9 at night I lied there nobody paying any attention to me, suddenly images start gathering in the retina of my eyes, I saw you in the prom hall,, You were in a beautiful blue dress,, your hair was perfectly done, You walked shy into the hall where a thousand boys kept looking at you and wanting to have fun themselves with you... Then one took the courage to ask you to dance, You shyly said " i have someone on the way to dance with me" he said " he isnt coming i promise " and then i saw you both fade away as a last image I saw you fading away in the lights of the stars shining, on a thousand people all the happiness fading away.... back in the parking lot I lied there sitting against a wall at night, something in my body reacted for a tear had come out, i was crying but i had no senses, had i woke up a 6th sense? yes i had.. the sense of LOVE... the love i had for you and how much i cared was a 6th sense... I heard Metallica's legendary Master of puppets song, and it all came to pieces,, I saw my guitar next to me.. i got my eyesight back, i heard it scream and cry,, i got my hearing back,, I felt the blood running down my body, i got my touch sense back, I smelled the ground and how ugly it smelled, i got my smelling sense, i tasted the apple flavor/blood in my lips, i got my tasting sense,, I got up tp my feet and I looked at the stars wishing i was there for you, the constant image of yo and that boy dancing came to my thought, you too were dancing so close i grabbed my guitar and I smashe it to the ground it cried " dont brake me, dont brake me" and i heard the song louder and louder i broke it... i didnt hear the song anymore.... I walked to anywehere i could call home.. i had no home anymore... i had nothing without you.. ........ the next day i was in my locker and i sensed you were coming,, you were there staring at me i turned around.. " what happened to you?!" What should i had telling her, that her new boy had beaten me up? I looked at her and gently whispered " Nothing happened, and I smiled at her,, I walked away and she had a scared face on her, her apple had blood on it, i walked down the hallway and into the door i went through and i faded away......... I heard the song again.. tears built in her eyes after seing the boy she dansed with had a girlfriend... ( The end,)

Cliffs of unforgiven sorrows

Well today i dont feel too good... at least my surgery will be postponed for a later date cause i was too chicken to have it today,, i felt the chills running down my back, and just when the sweat drop went in the floor i cancelled the surgery... i was talking to a frind yesterday but i got her mad or upset... i feel really bad for making her upset.. im so sorry i really am,... my dad came home yesterday from a month missing ... i wasnt too happy to see him because he was gonna interrupt my conversation with Mali Mali.. it hasnt been the brightests of years and it beats heavily upon my soul that i make other people upset and they push me away into darkness. but i thank god for sending me someone that cares alot for me, I love her so much, with her, i will not fall, and i will make sure she stays up with me on our feet... As for the gun,, i past by the sewer today it was open, so i took the gun out of my backpack and i took it apart and grabbed the trigger part so no one would ever touch it... i threw it away.... lunctime at school was lame as always, i was alone i dont know i feel dead to everyone nobody pays attention anymore but i have a guitar :) I was falling sad but i promised someone i wouldnt fall anymore... my dog Oso at age 16, has finally stopped living in this world, hes gone to a place i dont know, i wish dogs had a heaven too so i could see him again,, i had him in my arms yesterday, i carried him with a smile thanking him for so much company he had giving me " bye bye my brother" and with a tear covering his fluffy black ear, i dug a hole so he could rest there forever..... As an ending,, i wanna add that im so happy with "her" right now, I love her so much i thank her for being here and listening to my cries... Saaturday is prom night... yay! (sarcastic) theyre having punch as drinks!! :)

New life starting now..

The title says it, suck it up dude, so i have decided to start a new life from now on,,, just positive thoughts from now, and making that person that loves me happy... i wanna be free of sin, so i must not hate anyone and i must help out people in their moments of trouble... thanks to that special person i am Abrahan once again... I love you with all my heart :) Im a man finally :)

My mind

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you.Lay beside me, under wicked sky
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining, What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?Come lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there!What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven too?Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes now I see it!What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?What I've felt, what I've known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there?, 'cause I'm the one who waits,
The one who waits for you
what I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you? what I've felt, I take this key
And I bury it (never me) in you
Because you're unforgiven too

Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven too!

what I've known!

"Note to Abrahan"

R.I.P, here lies all my hopes and dreams,, Abrahan well you knew i had bad spelling i wasnt even in school,, I would like to tell you alot im thinking right now while im at the bathroom writting this. But i can only tell u, u get me? only u!! I have become tired of my life, i feel as though i was just a dirty spot in this world, i dont think god would care if i lived or died, anyways, little bro, be strong! mom and dad may not be who you want them to be, i know wat you have been through, all those birthdays and chirstmas moments, but hey, f*ck them! you dont need them to be happy, all u need is a guitar and a girl( good luck on the girl part haha) My locker combination is 12, 32, 23 for my locker, in there you will find my Jaguar 1966 electric guitar, im giving it to you little bro.. play it for me, but if you let anyone touch it or break the strings on it, ima go down and fuck em up im serious! make music, make ur sadness into a passionate song, make ur cryings another guitar chord and let it ring into peoples ears until their ears bleed and they cry for mercy for their pittyless and unforgetful sins,, they dont deserrve to live a happy life, im giving u this note so u dont do the same fucking mistakes ok? i want u to live, i know i left the gun lying there by the time u read this but dont get any ideas, throw that shit away and forget it,,, well remember that chick in McDonalds? i think she liked me jaja well bro, make mexicans proud of having you as a guitar player, I love you brother, my little Abrahan Hetfield! rock hard and live freely of sin,, Dude im hearing Avenged sevenfold right now, i like the videos, well bye now :) take good care of your wife and kids :).......................... I closed the note and i thought i woulndt get married i think.. my mind faded away.....

Old memory never said...

It was a regular day May 11 Kurts bday!! not normal day!!. i woke up to Kurt's voice yelling very loud " get yo fat ass up foo!!! we are going to have a hella good day!! I got up and gave him his hug!! i said "what about school?" "there is no school for u today" he said.. i gave him a guitar secret tabs book, which included all songs from metallica!!.. so throught the day here we are walking for 7 hours straight, we went to guitar center!! he bought some type of nw strings for his guitar. we walked to the mall, we ate, we ran, we talked, we yelled, we annoyed people, we walked, and ran some more, and we drank koolaid!! we ate a hamburger the size of kurts head!!! :) It was 6ish in the afternoon, Kurt and i were walking down some kind of trail in woods, we walked and i asked where were we going but he smiled and kept walking..... finally we found the lake,, i never seen a lake so black like this.... Kurt sat down i remember there he was sitting down in a rock with his pants ipped from his knees, i sat down next to him he said in a calm voice. " It really sucks doesnt it little Hetfield? (he called me that because i ilike james hetfield) i asked " what does" and he says " life, you think ure happy until it finally hits you like spit falling into ur skin and hearts burning it out until u cry no more pain,, little bro i wish i could tell u were adopted but ur parents right now are ur real parents no matter what... ,Michelle past away because of some f*ucker took her it was a great pain for you i did notice, please be strong out of 5 brothers youre the strongest in will. I dont think youll get married because you care too much for someone that theyll think ur obsessed with them and then ull be hurt by them.. if you do get married, knock on my tomb 5 times" he took out a gun in that instant, he said " stay here and think of the day we had..." I was on my knees crying letting out tears that burned the ground with so much fury, no words came out of my mind as i saw his shadow fade away, away away,..... away... the crackling in the ground of the branch stopped.. i covered my ears as soon as i yelled "KUUUUUURT" i heard the shot no sound will ever i forget, the sound of another fallen angel in my life. i was crying, but i walked to him, he had his sunglasses on on to look cool i guess,,, i washed his wounds and i carried him back home... now,, Michelle and Kurt lie in the same grave,,, Nail number 99 had been put into my heart, one more im just gonna die, i could feel the gun in my pocket.. i sat down with the gun in my hand.. i put in in my head, i loaded and i thought how much i hated my life,,, "click" nothing happened for the gun wasnt loaded anymore... i didnt think i could make it..........

year 16

Overall this is my recent life year, i am currently 16. Im in my high school junior year, i hate the fact that there is alot of homework.. i am very stressed,, am i sad?.. yes i am there has been too many problems.. my dad finally walked out on us.. i guess i pretty much live alone now because my mom really is never home and i hate that fact but then i dont because i get to prepare myself to go to university or college. i wont say much. my birthday i really thought there was nothing and there wasnt. Kurt and Michelle werent here anymore. i thought to myself, that hhere was no pint to life anymore so why be alive.? I miss Michelle, i wish i could have seen her grow, and my brother Kurt see how much i have accomplished? nothing... i found a reason to be alive, this person knows who he/she is but i wont say any names... I love you with all my heart i want u to know that. For "her" i will change :)

year 15

At the beggining of my sophmore year i met a girl named Michelle, just like my sister.. i went out with her for a while,, she was cheerleader for the school, and i was playing for the school first division. 4 after she asked me out she popped a question to have u know... i couldnt believe it. we weere at her birthday party so i broke up with her. i recall every friday i would stay with my friends and just play socccer hours and hours until i was dead basically.. i showed off my skills to play soccer because god had given me this talent, i thank him so much, i wanna live off that talent later on... i recall my birthday my brother Kurt and I... I love him to death i wish i could had saved him from death... he made my birthday that year so asweome. he took me one day out of school and we went to this tournament of rock bands... Omg excitement!!.. i had my electric guitar he gave me, and he had his legendary "FENDER JAGUAR 66'" i was singin vocals and i was 1st guitar while Kurt my brother played the lead gutarist!! he played so asweoeme it was years since i heard him play. Thats when we made "Master of puppets" so famous ,,, then on may 11, Kurt letf the world with something to fight for, he left me with a guitar legacy i had to continue, i was speecheless , RIP Kurt :)

year 14

I was finally a freshman at chula vista high school. I remember i was pressured by teachers to be one of the best in our graduation class to finish with good grades. I finished both semesters with A's. I n geography, crossroads, health, algebra, english and in 3-d art and design. I remember my first year of high school as very calm and cool. But in social life it didnt go too well. Whenever I liked this girl and there was only one girl in freshman that liked. I thought she was a nice girl.. then my friends kept telling me to quit going after her because she and another boy had commited sin. so much for my luck. My birthday i got 5 bucks and a guitar with an amplifier from my brother Kurt. my life was already a recorded tape. Christmas my dad got drunk and i watched every single sip he took of it.. everytime he took that bottle into his dry lips sipping the the taste of the bubbly beer. By this age i was grown up in everything.... i knew my life later would be a disaster, i knew i wouldnt get married to anyone because i was never liked because of so many problems in my life... I just hope my dog OSO lasts with me forever.. Nice 14 year summary so far....

This says it all......

I am my own parasite
I don't need a host to live
We feed off of each other
We can share our endorphins


Doll Steak!
Test Meat!

Look on the bright side, suicide
Lost eyesight I'm on your side
Angel left wing, right wing, broken wing
Lack of iron and and/or sleeping

I own my own pet virus
I get to pet and name her
Her milk is my shit
My shit is her milk

Test meat!
Doll steak!

Look on the bright side, suicide
Lost eyesight I'm on your side
Angel left wing, right wing, broken wing
Lack of iron and and/or sleeping

Doll Steak!
Test meat!

Look on the bright side, suicide
Lost eyesight I'm on your side
Angel left wing, right wing, broken wing
Lack of iron and and/or sleeping

Protector of the kennel
Ecto-plasma, Ecto-skeletal
Obituary birthday
Your scent is still here in my place of recovery!

Year 13

Well what can i say? I was 8th grade time for my second year in woodshop, oh goody!!... I spiked my hair for one reason,, it looked so sick!!, I had glasses on so i liked so cool haha nerd yes. I wanted to turn my birthday idea that year i didnt want it to be sad and ugly. I remember i woke up that friday the 8th and i smiled... I kissed my sister's portrait and said, "thanks for this morning Mimi" i grabbed my backpack and went to school. I remember it was a minimum day meaning we were out at 1:30. I tried inviting some friends over like 17 guys and and like 7 girls, and only one stuck (loser)... it was Kurt my brother and my dog haha. even though he was a junkie he was still my brother and I loved him and he was next to me in age, i was 13 and he was 15. He made me laugh that day alot and we went out to eat panda express chinneese food!!! I recall the way he made me laugh, he put the two chineese eating sticks in his nose and then i was laughing because the lady called him for his food and he had the sticks on him jajajaja.. oh Kurt i miss you too!!... at the end of the day i was left by Kurt ahhaha he got hooked up with a chick and made her his girlfriend, so he had taken the car and i had to go to Tijuana which was a 5 hour walk from here. It was the best thing ever (sarcasm) but i actually enjoyed the walk with my music pshhh.. i didnt do my hwk that day i arrived home at 2 inj the morning haha. I remmber that christmas as a decent one cause my dad got drunk but then again he wasnt there with us, my mom stayed home but yea she stayed there, I remember Kurt gave me a transformer robot which i still have i loved it, my brothers gave me a soccer ball, a ps2 with a soccer game on it!! Thats like so rad!! could have been better, i went to see Metallica and james hetfield play wow.....

Year 12

AHHH... the good old 7th grade in middle school. It was a breeze going to 7th grade i was the best student there problably. i had straight 'A'S ranking number 3. But in my woodclass nobody ever beat me.. woodshop u would sign a contract and basically built projects out of wood. i got so much experience i wanna work on that maybe later when im old. i built a car, a notepad, a boat, and a portrait for Michelle's picture. i was very harworking there, really no friends there, just posers like always,, i was involved in a fight though... My birthday was so lame that year i woke up with no hugs, smiles or care. no more waking up to that beautiful girl being my sister. i just woke up went to school and yea.. i thought i deserved a hug at least so my dog did me a favor :) i never discoverded hugs from friends until i was in freshman year of high school. christmas time i was alone because my mom had an arguement with my dad and both left the house to their special place. My mom went ot her annoying sister, and my dad.. well he got drunk.... my brother kurt went with his friends and smoke i guess drugs.. Isaac went with his girlfriend,, john went to his girlfriend too and so did pablo. i just had my dog sitting next to me... isnt that a nice christmas?

Year 11 after disaster

i Believe at age 11 i was in 6th grade already... I fullfilled my promise of not talking to anyone ever again. I remember everybody afterschool i would go o my house running and i would drop my stuff and go to the graveyard. i wouldnt spend my afterrnoons in my rooftop anymore i just went directly to Michelle for the entire year. i was sad destroyed but i promised her "everything i do will be foryou, i wont forget you ever and i will do my best to be in triumph." during 6th grade i guess i was skinny because of soccer and i had muscular legs yet i didnt talk... my friends told me alot of girls liked me and gave me their notes, i just put em aside.. i knew girls would just hurt my felings even more... Dear reader (if there is any) i want you to to know that im not an average guy, i have been through alot of things unimaginable..... so im full of rights to be in any mood i want. i dont have many friends but any company would be appreciated. i never liked my childhood if u can even call it a childhood, i feel like a beaast that just scares people away and they turn out to hate me. i want you to know i am sensible in feelings and if u hurt me ever,, i wont tell you.. if i did my theory wouldnt work out. if i thought of anything when my sister was gone.. it involved me grabbing the pice of metal in my dads drawer and oulling its trigger can u figure it out? year 11 was nothing but crap really.......

The ending never told.....

My parents came home, and saw me with Mimi in my arms they were at first" what have you done!?" and i replied with eyes on fire, "Dont you dare come one step closer!" I didnt let them touch my baby girl.. my parents really thought i had killed her at first and i didnt do anything to stop their judgements they always judge on appereance anyways... they sent me with the pscologist for 5 weeks... next thing u know he got scared of me that he put me under watch and he didnt take my case anymore.. not after i told me wat was going through my mind. i had a marked life... i became this monster yet a sad monster with feelings.. teachers at school got me in trouble because i wouldnt answer their questions and i got detentions.. i didnt care really i later smacked their faces with better grades anyone had ever had.. I myself made a memorial for Michelle in my backyard and its grave grew a flower i will never forget its color, bright red just like her favorite color... i cried and now youre frightened..... Will i ever be the same?

Age 10 "An angel in my arms......"

One day after my 10 birthday, October 9 i remember it clearly.. i woke up on regular basis and Michelle and me went to school. During 10 oclokish into school i felt a terrible pain in my sould something warning me perhaps...throughout the day i had that sadness in me. After school i had soccer practice but i would take Michelle home first. I went home and there wasnt anyone! damnit! so Michelle told me i could go that in a few minutes she would go to her friends house "Ill be ok Aba Aba:)" "Lock the doors Mimi" i was in practice and i was scared of it again , i couldnt run one more inch i had to go back something told me, run you son of a bitch! tension starts building when im at 50 yards away from my house, it hit me... the connection between my heart and brain failed. i ran for the race of my life i had tears coming out, 50 yards turned into 40, 30,20 stop! 10, 5.... im at the front door i whisper "Michelle" my parents hadnt arrived from what i could see. I had no feelings left in me all i wanted was to find my sister. the kitchen? the living room, my parents room? she was gone.... but only one room left to check.. My room.... As i walk slowly i see a bunch of papers just lying there and some covered in red liquid. i was already about to drop to my feet... " god, why ? why? ,,.... I saw an angel lying in the floor, i felt my tonge dry in my lips as i passed through the papers.I fell to the ground beside her,, " Michelle?" Michelle?" dont play games on me!" i was frightened. i felt in in my heart, my eyes burned like a ligthing in hell i felt like crying yet nothing came out of me... Michelle at age 9 was dead in my arms... her eyes were open so i closed them for them i hugged her and i wanted to yell for help but nothing came out. I yelled " ahhhhhhhh!! what da Fuck!!" my wings of happiness were finally cut off i hugged her day and until itgrew dark i was there hugging her body for 7 hours straight cuddling with her hair putting my hand on her cheeks very gently. i was actaully waitting for a response of her.. i didnt know what to do i cried gallons of tears even though i had more to come. m y mind was dead.. " why me? why now" why her? why not me" i cant believe this!! why not me god?!!" where were my fucking parents?!!! i ask them "WHERE WERE U ?" I only got up after my parents had arrived i said nothing, my eyes burned red, i was bleeding tears, i got covered in her blood and i put some in my eyes " guide my eyes towards something good. guide my ears to happy hearings." I swear under ur name Mimi i will find that bastard that bastard will pay and will regrt every last blood drop there is on this floor !! let it be written, today is the day i have no more mercy upon the shit of the earth!!

Year 9 Oh My

I cannot recall much of age 9. Though i remember my 4th grade i think. Mimi and I had involved ourselves in some type of kid band haha. Mimi had the vocals, and i was lead guitarist. he had the most amazingly beautiful voice. I remember my parents constantly talking about a place called "AMERICA" though i didnt know where it was or what it was. So later on i didnt hear about "AMERICA" in a while. i remember one day and almost everyday i would climb up to my little rooftop. My day there was my ultimate source of mass imagination. I would always do my hwk there, play my guitar, sleep, sometimes i even ate over there or just chill and play cards with Michelle. My parents were mostly never together back then either. I realized how guys and girls would like each other in this world. i was ashamed of my dad always looking at girls no matter what age they were. Guys would rate a girl 1.) how big was her behind.. i dont know why 2.) If the girl was wearing a skirt or just had nice body. 3.) if she was pretty........ my dad was always going for number 1, i hated it i hated the feeling of it, i didnt understood those things at that age i always thought of a nice girl would be one with a positive atittude or just nice to me. guess ill never find one for me will i?...........

Year 8

When i was 8 i already had become a leader in my school someone to follow... I had the highest grades in school or should i say among. I had 3 awards already stored up in my first 3 months. At home my parents would give me a smile and then would just turn away back to watching Television. Hands are red with my blame, phones screaming my name... mY brother was 15 and my sis was a year younger than me. it was Monday 8 of october.. my birthday. As soon as i woke up my sister Michelle gave me this 5 minute hug and she told me she loved me :) I was among 5 people that i was the only one that loved her and took care of her. mY parents gave me 5 bucks to spend during lunch and i ended up saving them. Then the rest of the handshakes came in and congrats.. watever.. my brother went with his girlfriend and after he had promised to take michelle and me to the zoo. mY other brothers went to work, so i went to school with my sis. Pretty much she cheered up my whole day, shes all that i needed for my birthday. she told me jokes, tickled me, smiled, hugged me, screamed at peoples faces " Its his birthday!!" with 20 bucks i took her eating afterschool. we came back from eating and there was no one home. My dog Oso also knew it was my birthday because he seemed to lick me alot and jump at me... The day finally ended with a nail being struck to my heart. at night since my mom wasnt home laid my sister beside me in the bed.. she still had nightmares. then we hear the arrival of Dad. He was drunk as always and came in screaming " wheres my birthday boy?!" I got off bed and grabbed my sister " Mimi, i need you to go under the bed for a few minutes.. were gonna play a game right now ok? I need u to be my strong little sis :) i love you ill be back... she said "Ok AbaAba" so i came out " there he is! come on son ima give you my best gift as a father to his grown son." i said.. "a beer" thanks dad i like it now ima go to sleep yea?" he screamed loudly, "No youre not! youre gonna stay here and be happy with ur father, i remember the cruelty of throwing the beer away after putting it into my lips.. i remember he started screaming like an animal wanting to eat so desperately.. locked him in the bathroom for the night.. he pounded on the door almost braking it... I went for Michelle.. "AbaAba why is dad screaming?" i said " daddy seems to be a little mad at himself right now Mimi, i promise u listen to me Mimi listen closely." i whispered " ill never let u off my sight and ill always take care of u i swear to my heart ill die first than u., now lets go to sleep.." we never did.. we were putting up with fathers screams, constantly i was hugging Michelle, she was in my arms so scared i was crying i couldnt let go of her, i had an angel in my arms, what should i do? God help me....

Year 7 The day that never comes?

I was 7, what can i say? I acted like an adult at this age already... My parnts would always ask me " why arent you a normal kid?" so i started figuring out little by little and i started changing into an adult. My parents now were starting to like me :) so i wanted to please them like i never did before. I felt so proud one day my dad said " good job son" I only remember his work shoes. so i was stupid enough to go to school and show off to everyone my dad had said that for cleaning his shoes. they answered " ok?" "my dad always says that to me, get away youre weird" I remember elementary school like yesterday i was only with my sister my whole school years there. I never noticed or knew the difference of being popular or lonely ora nerd so i didnt care. At this age i felt like thrash basically " since im sad all day why not stuff my ears with some music?" with my allowance money I bought my first guitar and it came in with a pick! I dint know what to play at first but then i realized soon... I started looking for bands no one liked, Rage Against the Machine! Nirvana wich was so influential on me later in my life.. Muse great guitarist skills. Then it began METALLICA!!! I always like the way JAMES HETFIELD dressed like all in balck and pure rock anger. When i was 7 i learned part by parts the song "One" i didnt have long fingers then so yea. My dad had a stroke back then, all because he smoked and i had warned him little by little but he didnt listen. happiness close but it never came in.,.........

Year 6...

Well I can remember 1st grade back in Tijuana, that's like one of the best moments in my life, yet still one of the saddest. I remember buying my lunch at recess time at 11 am. 1 slice of pizza for 50 cents and a soda for 50 cents!! I guess back then i used to eat alot, candy, cookies, tacos chips and sodas. I was overweight..... Then the stomach pains started killing me i couldnt stand them. Back then my dad worked under construction it was so stupid to go there to work that i was hospitalized after being hit by a metal. Age 6 was a year where i was left with alot of scars, i remember this girl coming up to me and calling me " hey 4 eyes" i didnt get what she was trying to say to me i never understood that concept " four eyes" i knew i only had 2 eyes yet i was dumb enough to fall into it. Back at home i remember my mom always washing dishes aand cleaning the house. One day she hit me so hard across the face. I never knew why though, i came running ome from school " momma momma i got a 10 on my exam!!! my mom rplied angry " why are u so f**king selfish?! anyone can get a good grade in math. you think your special because ofthat? you're not!" and i asked with so much ignorance " did you ever go to school momma?" by then my face was red and covered in tears... i went running away into somehwere nobody could find me.. Michelle came in and found me, i told her to leave i made her cry, and then my dog came in to hug me as always, i never turned him away, hes just an animal... by this age i was highly educated not by parents but by life itself.. i was a very self disciplined kid at my age it was weird yet i was proud of myself.........

Year 5

Year 5 of my life. I met Oso, the cutest and most loyal dog ever! For some reason i called him my little brother. Oso was the same age as me in human years though we all know dos have different years. i remember all the colors in kindergarden, i never cared for the school anyways. I hated kindergarden, the uniforms, the kids, the teachers. I saw kids crying for their moms and i hated that but no one knows why except for me: i hated it cause i always said to my mind " I wish i could cry over my mom cause she loves me" but i never did so i didnt cry ever in kindergarden, i had dry tears, my tear canals were dry and i couldnt cry over anything..... My first experience with girls came in back at home, the new neighbors, i think she liked me, i was kinda shy i had never talked to a girl outside of Michelle. after a few weeks of avoiding her, i never saw her again thank god...then a few months later, Michelle entered school with me, we would make drawings of the teacher with a moustache and just funny jaja. Those with a brilliant mind could control the eyes of those who just dare to envy us........

year 4

I remember sitting down on a small rooftop always thinking whats beyond mountains, whats beyond those rocky areas that dont let me see. But i also recall the love for nature i had. Days and days after eating i would relax and climb my rooftop with Michelle. We would lie down and stare at the clouds trying to figure out shapes for all of them. She used to see cows and one monkey. I always used to see the abstract i saw once a dinosaur with a shark head i dont know why but it was weird.Then i would sit up and stare at the dogs runningover in the 2dn street, i used to imagine " so much freedom, they can run happily while we as humans are not free to do anything our way." This memory shall not leave this page: It was december24 christmas eve!!! Mimi and I were looking forward to this day! It was raining! perfect! but then Mimi had to go shopping with momma and i stayed with pops. I stayed home i went up to my roof with my blue batman sweater, and i received the rain every drop feeling so fresh and good. This christmas eve was the saddest one, Mimi and my mom didnt return as expected from their shopping, they went to their aunts house and i was excited to give Michelle my best hug ever and a present ! :( My dad got drunk that night cause it was "party" and i made cookies well at least i think i did. I gave one to pops and he smiled at me. " ur a great son, have a beer" and then seconds later he threw up. That day i let the rain become a sort of makeup, where i could hide my tears. i slept wrong that night......

Years 1-4

I do not recall my earliest years coming to this world but based on what Doctor Ramiro had told me, I suffered from health problems alot, really bad stomach aches when i was just 2. Today, I still do. I have alot of pictures of me as an infant and i dont have any picture with my parents, maybe theyre hiding them or I just dont know... When i was 4 i do remember this kid always being hyper and full of energy. I remember my house; every inch of it, we had a 2 story house, the living room so small problably it was about 8 feet tall? and yeah it was very small place. We have a backyard, always full of dirt i still have some scars on my knees for the falls i had :) Brick walls sorrounding me like a mouse found in a jail. There was this big mountain we called "El cerro Colorado" it was the best view i had always when i was little. Then from my rooftop ( i used to climb my roof) you could really see the all the city! The colony we lived in was very poor yet we were all humble and smiled for our unity. Im lucky for what i have today, since i was 4 my father took me to work because money wasnt enough, after work he used to drink alot. I helped my dad build and repair houses, i was weak enough to just carry his tools ( i felt proud) Until today I am a hardworking son, and a proud hardworking student, i hope later on according to my infancy i dont make my kids work like i did........

Early Life

1991 my parents move from Michoacan, Mexico to the place i was born, Tijuana, Mexico. My parents decided that with 4 kids: John, Isaac ,Pablo and Kurt wasnt enough. So one night You can all imagine what they decided to do for fun. October 8, 1992, Calle Obreros, everyone in that street would witness an accident : so i was born :) i was born at 12 at midnight, yes im a sleeper. My parents did not plan having me. Doctor Ramiro was my doctor and until now he still is. When i was born the doctor said I was gonna be a calm baby. They at first thought i wasnt alive cause i wouldnt make any noise, but then the horrible voice of my mom came in through my ears and i started crying. It all seemed happy but all was still shadowed. Im not shy to say this, Michelle came after me too :) Ive always had nightmares about me being a baby and my mom looking away from me like if I was something out of her plans. My dad was a junkie and drunk person, he wanted me to be like him.....

Day at home :{

Ok so, Friday, i was scared as soon as i saw light enter my room i got up and said " today= surgery:{" so i went to first period as soon as it ended, damn, 5 hour walk!! so the whol 5 hours i was thinking that one person that makes me happy :) so i got to the hospital eww had surgery woke up and went back, I talked to Mali Mali :) then when she went Mimi, i had the longest night ever.. my knee started hurting so bad i grew desperate so i went out and walked (big mistake) and i froze out there in the street damn! so i came back in and drank coffee cause it hurt so darn! mm i was trying to ditract the pain away but it just seems i couldnt, so i took the last medicine and finally decided to inject the " emergency med" so i slept. Now its a new day, and again i feel bad :(

Crazy day!!

Today by far has been the baddest day of my life :{ Ive had double surgery in the past month!! well no matter I know its for my good, but to get to the doctor i had to walk 5 good hours!!! wow, a total pain. I only went to school for first period cause i had to come out in order go to the doctor. so then, i find myself in that one room anyone would be scared off..... so what do u know? 1 hour later im finally awake with another darn metal thingy in my knee, well the doctor let me go like an hour later, and i have to hurry home cause its movie night!! :} Long live James Hetfields Metallica,